An ancient pharaoh's list of modern stupidities

Aibou suggested that since I have my memories back and I'm still in the 'modern world' that I should write my perspectives on any similarities, differences, or items that stand out to me in this world that is so different from my last. It is an intriguing idea to say the least. So, I shall give it a try, but I think I'll mention the stupidities I've found on the modern world so far. There are certainly more of those in this modern era than there were in the past. I hope it will make for a most amusing read. Oh, and Yugi reminded me to write this in english...not my native ancient egyptian language because, well, he can't read that and probably neither can you. On a personal note, Yugi, you have YET to decipher that little note I wrote? At this rate, will you find this year's birthday gift before next year's comes around? A game is a game though. We both play by the rules. You get no assistance on its translation and I can't give any other suggestions. I'll make an egyptologist out of you yet! Nothing in this list is in any particular order...just how I happen to note them (except for the first one...THAT is the most annoying item on my list!).

-Atemu, once pharaoh, now translucent duelist extraordinaire.

Dead Thief roaming: Yes, this is Bakura. A pain in the ass, a thorn in the side, a burr up one's butt ( I don't know how that latter expression feels, but upon studying what a 'burr' is, I don't think I'd want to know. What I do know is it would likely be rather painful and uncomfortable to say the least.), I don't know how else to explain him. Why in Ra's name did HE have to come back too!? What? Dying young and being stuck in the Puzzle for 3000 years isn't enough punishment for a sacrafice to save the world. Why must I endure more by his existence!? Apparently life (and death) is full of contradictions. I and he are two of such. (Did I just make a movie title? "Dead Thief Roaming" sure sounds like one).

Child-proof caps: Should be called Adult-proof caps and teenage-impenetrable caps. Grandpa is wondering where all his bottles of aspirin have gone. Simply put, if I cannot open, it goes by way of some powerful ancient magic at work. I hope the monster world forgives me for all the strange modern devices I keep sending there. But, as the modern saying goes..."out of sight, out of mind"...literally. And there are times I really would like one of those little circular pills. Aibou says they relieve a headache. Maybe Bakura would go away if I took one? Doubtful, but since I'm a spirit and those pills would be useless to me anyway, I can use my imagination right?

Prunes...Evil things! Taste delicious, but there is apparently a 'limit' to the amount of prunes one can eat in one sitting. I have yet to find the right number I can properly eat before my bodily system (or rather Yugi's) gets a good cleansing. Must remember to allow Bakura to try these one day. Hopefully Ryou isn't aware of their side effect. Yugi is. He said grandpa uses them regularly as a natural laxative. And, he warned me not to eat too many at once. I honestly didn't understand why a semi-dried fruit would have to be limited in consumption. Fruits (at least the edible ones) are good for you afterall. After eating a moderate size portion...now I know.

Scented tampons: I don't use these of course, but I still ponder the meaning. Who the heck is going to smell these when they're going where they're going!? Yes, I know, by merely mentioning this item, you must know by now that sometimes my curiousity gets the better of me. I just happened to pass by this aisle on my way to another aisle in a store. I can't help but look at things as I pass them by. At least I didn't ask Anzu or another female about their function. I simply read it on the box. Yes, there are some things I'm better off not knowing. But how will I know if I should know or not if I don't know? Circular right? I agree. This goes for all those douche things as well. I can't understand why a female would do such things when all they need is...well, I'm getting a bit too graphic for even my own mind so I'll drop this now before I bury myself in a pile of dung.

blister packs: damnable modern packaging method. This form of packaging is often found on fun stuff like personal cd players, walkmans, and other electronic goodies while they hang upon a shelf. Thick plastic that completely seals the entire item and package. You purchase an item of interest, but you can't open the dang package to get said item! Scissors won't cut through the thick plastic. Knives won't either. Exactly how are you supposed to open these things!? Must be another concoction from the Underworld. I have no other way to explain them.

wax paper: what's the point of this stuff anyway? Already have plastic wrap, aluminum foil, plastic tubs for storage. Can't put sticky stuff on wax paper since it still sticks. So I digress, what's the point of wax paper?

Saran Wrap (plastic wrap): Damn clingy stuff only clings to itself. Doesn't seal dishes of food as promised on the label. Only seals itself. Give me a plastic storage bowl anyday. At least one doesn't need to wage war upon those just to store a food item.

toilet paper: Who in Ra's name would dare make this stuff 1-ply!? Or is it the Motou's are buying the cheap stuff? I'm not even going to elaborate on this one. If you've dealt with 1-ply, then you fully know what I'm talking about. If not, then heed this warning.

escalators: Poor excuse for lazy people. One can actually walk up a set of stairs faster. Walking up stairs is better for the body anyway...gets the blood flowing and keeps the body healthy. Escalators are only good for losing small items like rings, keys, toes, and other important items you'd rather not lose. So, if you wish to be lazy and lose vital things, then by all means use the things. But a wiser person would think otherwise.

bade (bah-day): French item (and I don't know how to make little French symbol things on this keyboard so don't bother to correct me on the matter!)...now why in Ra's name would I want water squirted up my ass?! Isn't that defeating the purpose of toilet paper? Hmm...maybe this would be a worthwhile substitute for female douches? The principle and physics seem about the same. Fresh water is healthier than inserting some 'fresh' smelling chemical anyway. And my teenage mind also ponders the possibility that a female might even find this technicque rather pleasurable. I wouldn't know since again, I'm not female, but I also hear that washing machines are a female's friend and that doesn't imply doing the laundry either. I actually tried the washing machine activity. Grandpa was trying to figure out why in Ra's name I was sitting atop the machine while on the highest spin cycle. He didn't ask for an explanation however and I certainly didn't give him one. From my perspective, not pleasurable, but I'm fussy about what goes on between my legs. Vibrations just aren't something I find pleasurable, but more akin to the numbing feel of sitting atop a horse all day. It might be an acquired taste and so must a bade.

pedestrian walk lights: Don't work. A side of traffic still has a green light and can turn right into you plus there is an unspoken rule of drivers called 'right on red'. So, you can be smacked by a car even if the stupid light says 'walk.'

Yugi's sock game: I STILL don't understand the point of this! Yugi, sometimes you're just one strange teen. And I thought I had this title. Well aibou, guess you do have a title that I am unwilling to challenge you for. ;P

Minimum drinking age: What's the point? I was drinking before I could even write! Those under the age are going to find ways to access it if they want it anyway. A teen's rule of thumb...if it's a normal thing and can be gotten without effort, then it's dull, boring, and we won't want it anymore. THAT world, is how you solve teenage rule bendings! Ah, I think my 'kingly' thought processes are coming into play once in a while.

Blue-Eyes White Dragon- obsessed- High Priest- in -denial- of -his -past: No explanation needed. Though I do wonder why do I even bother with him!? Maybe I should put my own name in this list of stupidities for even trying to think that he'd one day come around or understand? Ahh Seto, if only you'd open your mind and your heart! Pity.

The movie, THE SIXTH SENSE: If I hear Yugi say "I see dead people" one more time, there's going to be more than just words between us. (Got that hint, Yugi?) Granted this movie and line may only affect fellow spirits such as myself, but it just isn't amusing. The first time, perhaps, but now, it's just lame. And in regards to the movie itself, if I were a kid seeing dead people, I'd be more messed up than he seems to be. Oh wait, I am dead people and in the past, I saw monsters sucked out of people's souls and used as dueling monsters. Not-to-mention a giant devil-like beast named Zork who had a dragon head for a penis that could attack and kill you with laser-like blasts. Would you consider me messed up or just confused? And now you know why I don't have a sex life...giant dragon-like penises scare the living daylights out of me!

Females: No, females are not stupid at all. In fact, most are smarter than males and I'll be the first to admit that. But there are just some things about females I cannot figure out...so I ponder them. I'm not even sure I should elaborate on the subject. It's simply a fact all males know. What's that modern saying, ahh yes, "can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em." Or as a certain perv (*cough* Jou!) adds to that, "but you sure can screw 'em." No wonder he's never had a true date in his life eh? But based off my meager experience with females, a male traverses a deadly tightrope with them. Very easy to fall off and always swaying. Take that last statement any way you want. ;)

Porn video tapes (and magazines for that matter): Poor excuses for 'educational' material' (remember that Jou, Honda, AND Yugi!). Also, what could be worse than watching others doing something you could be doing? Why should they have all the fun? Live-action (participation) is MUCH better. But, this is the last time you hear me mention this subject. I'd not want you to think me some horny sex-deprived pervert from ancient times (which I'm NOT by the way). I think ancient times were more 'educational' on the subject of sex anyway. It's not such a big deal when it's around you everyday. Same goes for nudity. Though while on this subject. Yugi, I think your mother wants her underthings shopping catalogs back.

Golf: This one is all Kaiba's fault. Honestly, I don't see a point in whacking a ball as far as I can only to chase after it and do it again and again, and again. What's the point of all that walking? I can put a ball in a hole numerous times without even taking a step. You just go to one of the numbered places on the course and plop the ball in. Then you can leave and do something more constructive with the time you've saved by not doing all that walking and ball whacking. But I do enjoy miniture golf. At least there's 'some' methodology and means-to-an-end to that game. Though honestly, hitting a car or a building out of bounds to rebound the ball back in play should be legal...except when it goes through glass...but then the ball hasn't rebounded back in play has it? I think I will admit this now, I may be King of Games, but I don't think that applies to golf of either form...or any winter activity. I am a many-generational native ancient Egyptian. My body is forged to withstand the instensive heat, blinding light, and never-ending dryness of a desert climate. Naturally, as with any endowment, it comes with a price. Whereas I can walk with ease upon sifting sands, I cannot say the same with ice and snow. The mere thought of the temperature dipping below the temperature in which water freezes sends shivers through me. I'll leave the winter play to Yugi. Ask me to come out again when it's over.

alarm clocks: May Ra have mercy on your soul for arousing me from my slumber! I do not wish to learn who invented this little device. May he (or she, but probably a 'he') never get a decent night's sleep!

thong underwear: There is a reason why bulls buck when being ridden...there's a strap upon their nether region in-between, that is driving them that way! Now why would anyone want a strap between their ass cheeks by choice!? Don't most people pick at their ass when underwear doesn't sit where it should...which is usually when it begins to ride up towards one's crack? Remind me to buy Bakura a pair of these and use it as a penalty in some duel. I can just envision him now. He wouldn't be able to walk a single stride without constant butt-picking. Most amusing! Not that I wish to see Bakura's ass. I just wish to see him squirm in discomfort.

The song, "Walk like an Egyptian": Where in Ra's name do they come up with such things!? What if I said, "walk like a Japanese or walk like an American, or whatever nationality you are? Would you know how to respond to it? Apparently modern people think we ancient egyptians have a 'special' way of walking. If there was a 'special' way, I do not know of it And I, as a pharaoh and divine living representative of the gods should know. Regardless, Jou had better stop using this phrase around me or he'll know what it's like to be 'punished like an egyptian'...a nice little dip in the Nile River should do. I wonder of Jou can outswim a croc or hippo?

sour candy: I've learned that candy is typically sweet and yummy. Then Yugi gave me a gummy called a "sour patch kid." What a cruel piece of food! I have come to the conclusion that I do not like sour candy...only sweet candy. Yugi said that gummies were sweet. That one wasn't. It's okay though. I won't get mad, but I might get even. Aibou, those 'raisens' you ate the other day...weren't raisens. They were chocolate covered ants. You may be a gaming champion, but I am a gaming KING!

technological advances: Granted this is a very general and vague term, but allow me to explain. I hear Grandpa complain regularly about this stuff. He often says 'back in the day' when there were no computers, internet, cell phones,etc. that things actually seemed to run smoother and go faster than they do with all these so-called advances in technology that were supposed to do the very same thing. Well Kaiba, the ball's in your court on this matter. You have the techonogical mind in this era, not I. Though, personally, as a king, if I had to give an opinion on this matter, I'd say 'simpler is better.' In other words, whichever method is the easiest to understand, use, and consistently works then choose it. I see so many people in this day's world stressed out and frustrated all because of little modern devices that don't seem to always do what they're supposed to and the user has no idea how to fix the issue. The automobile or computer, or cell phone are prime examples...complex, inconsistent, frustration makers. Better off with a horse and falcon for transportation and long distance communications. But that's my ancient self talking again isn't it? Yes, if I had my own body in this modern world, I would avoid many of moden life's so-called 'conveniences' (which is actually a fancy marketing gimmick word to trick modern people in succumbing to the latest technological advancement. Can anyone say cell phone!? THAT is a prime example of trickery and manipulation by advertising/marketing upon society as a whole). Convenience doesn't necessarily make it better. Sometimes doing things the 'hard way' is not only better, but more rewarding as one gets a feeling of accomplishment for their efforts.

commercials interrupting tv shows: What is more annoying then actually sitting down to relax, you find something to watch to entertain yourself, and then BAM! some ad interrupts the show and whatever mood if you were getting a good feel of the show's plot. I do not need to know that Viagra could enhance my sexual performance (which is highly doubtful as I have total confidence in MY sexual prowess mind you!) or deal with Yugi's whining desires when a McDonald's hamburger commercial appears. Worse yet, these commercials come in a string...one after another for several minutes. What I wanted was to sit down, relax, and enjoy a show. That is the point of television isn't it? Or is it another marketing gimmick to brainwash people into spending their hard-earned money and buying their products? Yugi and Jou seem most affected by such commercials. They are always stating, "gotta have this, oooh, I want that." Simplistic mind manipulation. Did I just say that? My apologies Jou and aibou...though I will wonder if you even realized that I just insulted you both? Perhaps it is another reason to take your school studies more seriously. Knowledge is power...true, unmolested, natural power in more ways than any student seems to realize (unless you were taught in ancient times with the ancient ways, but I'll not go into that here). And yes, Jou, Yugi, and others, 'tough love' is sometimes a good method. So, if I insult you...perhaps it is because I see something that could take you to the next level in life rather than settle for mediocrity. Did I just shoot another one your way? I'd better stop before I royally piss off my friends right? Royally? Hmm, guess that could be a pun seeing how I should be used to doing things royally...in a literal sense.

reality shows and "professional wrestling." Since I'm along the lines of tv...reality shows and professional wrestling are NOT real. I repeat NOT real. Why do they try to trick into believing they are? Professional wrestling is just a "man's term" for male soap opera. And ladies, you're not off the hook. Your "soap operas" are as far-fetched from reality as a human vacationing on the Sun. The reality shows are staged otherwise, they'd be 'live.' A show called "Survivor" caught my eye. It's not "survivor" if food is given to you, even if in limited amounts, bedding and/or shelter is provided, and so on. A true "survivor" show would ditch several participants on a deserted island with no food, clothing, shelter, and so on and then leave them to fend for themselves. Or perhaps stick them in a life raft in the middle of the ocean with only what rations were on said raft. Now THAT is real "survivor." Fear Factor...simply frightens me. Who in Ra's name would eat cow pussies, rotten guts, live smelly bugs, and other concoctions!? Or...drive off a small wooden board a hundred feet in the air or smash a car through a moving truck!? Sorry, there's a limit between money and stupidity. They do NOT go hand-in-hand. I must add those books called romance novels along these lines as well (thanks Tammy!). These are no different than soap operas only in book form. Totally unrealistic and nothing but depression makers as hopeful females suddenly realize that those stories are not how the real world works.

Movie theater food pricing (includes ski resorts, amusement parks, and other 'fun' places): Now why in Ra's name is there a huge markup on food in these places?! I understand the 'price of convenience' but eeeesh, for one box of jujus you've nearly paid for another movie viewing! Bakura would probably agree with me here, and I'm unsure if I'm stooping to his level here...but here's a suggestion. Go to WALMART. Buy the same exact size box of candy for under US$1.00. Stash it in your 'baggy' jacket or in a purse if you're with a ladyfriend. Thus saving a little hard earned cash for something more worthwhile. When skiing (yes I tried this and as I said above...I do NOT like COLD! Hanging out and warming up in the lodge is VERY pleasing however. I'll not go further with that here). Bring a lunch/picnic (I think that is the correct modern word) to an amusement park or ski resort. Your body and wallet will thank you. Aibou will yell at me for this one as I am denying him yet another opportunity to get one of those greasy, fatty hamburgers. (thanks again Tammy).

Music genres: Anzu had introduced me to some music. Aibou and Jou some others. And I have explored this realm myself as I did indeed enjoy music even in ancient times. Rap...though harsh on many adults' ears is actually an outlet for teens and college kids to vent their frustrations. It sure beats them busting up cars or getting in trouble with the law correct? I don't mind rap, but I do not understand all the terminology used in the genre. It does help me with my modern 'slang' words however. I may just be able to 'outswear' Jou now. Aibou, you didn't just hear that. I dislike the american "country" music. It seems less entertaining and more depressing. Somebody's lost a car, a girl, a dog, whatever. Rarely happy tunes. And the beats are all basically plain and similar. Yugi terms it as "twangy." I suppose that is accurate. "Metal"...ouch. It's just a bunch of people screaming too close to a microphone. "Can you hear me now?"...that's an understatement with that genre. Problem is I can't understand a single word you're saying. Try something a little more soothing...nice instrumentals (my fave as a throwback from ancient times) can be relaxing. Mental note to self: get Kaiba a TON of this type music. He's so uptight with work and other modern issues I don't even think yaoi fans can help me break through him (and you yaoi fans KNOW what I mean there). (thanks yet again Tammy).

Mathematical concepts: Though zeros and negatives were NOT in ancient Egyptian mathematics...I do understand them. I regularly see them on Yugi's test papers, Jou's test papers, Grandpa's checkbook (negatives), Kaiba's estimated value (positive zero's...lots of them) and so on. There IS however, once modern math concept I cannot understand...imaginary numbers. If they are imaginary then how can you do any math with them? They're not real right? So they don't exist. There. That was a simple math problem solved. (thanks to Lomelindi for the subject matter).

Toasters: Yet another modern appliance I have used my magical abilities on. But, I summoned Mahaado first to see if he could assist me with it BEFORE I sent the thing onto its demise. He fared no less. So, off it went. What good is an appliance that willingly does its job but rather than give it to you nicely, it spits it out onto the floor!? Granted I have the reflexes of a cat, aside from Yugi's body's ineptness, but even I cannot save the helpless bread in time. Also, this vile excuse for an appliance never gives warning when its ready to pop said bread out of itself. It startles me every time. I do NOT like to be startled. And I do not like others looking and laughing at me when I do get startled. Before I can recover from being startled, my toast is on the floor. I told Grandpa to place breads lightly over a fire. Will toast thoroughly and predictably...like ancient times. See, simple and to the point. Same goes for meats. Why waste time with an oven? Meats cook much faster and taste finer over an open fire. Grandpa asked me where around the Game Shop I would suggest an open fire. I guess that was sarcasm. We could tear up some of that horde of cement outside and dig a fire pit. See, problem solved. No sarcasm included.

Electrical plug prongs: Who in Ra's name created plugs that have different sized prongs on them!? What's the point of this? There is no impact on function between the two prong types. Both will turn a lamp on, just the odd pronged one will give one grief trying to flip the plug a certain way to get the stupid thing in. I should be grateful for the convenience of electricity seeing how in ancient times, we used firelight, usually by torches. Still though, we didn't do something as anal as having different sized holsters just so one knows which end is up. Are modern humans that far in need of such a thing? Regardless, the oddball sized prongs are, in my mind, pointless unecessary frustrations better off avoided.

Dryers pt.II: I mentioned these strange machines earlier, but this time I have an even more legit complaint against these things. Where does the single sock go? Socks enter the machine in pairs. I count them myself to be sure I have an even number from the washer. But, when the clothing is dry, I have an odd number of socks left, usually one short. I look all over in the machine and still, I cannot find the stray sock. What magical trickery is this!? Yugi says it's a sacrafice to the "sock gods." I tell him that I do not worship any sock god. He says something along the lines that sometimes one must worship the 'porcelin god' with a giving. Again, there is no porcelin god in the known gods that I am familiar with. Is there a new modern religion that has its own pantheon of gods? Perhaps I must research modern religions more though I must remain loyal and devoted to my own. I must not anger them by accidently giving worship to some of these other modern gods.

Tissue boxes: Due to certain seasons in Japan that shall remain nameless for fear of my wrath, I have come to develop a liking to these soft paper-like things called tissues. Aibou's been getting many colds of recent. Tissues relieve one's nose of wasteful leaking of fluids. But, again, while tissues can be your friend, their container is an enemy! Your nose is running, all you want is a friendly tissue to blow it in and you get one. But one is not enough. You need another since your nose has not ceased its running of fluids. Unfortunately, no tissue is on standby for easy pulling. For some reason, all tissues have retreated within the box. You dig in trying to release one and you either get none or a pile of them...not the single tissue that worked previously. It really isn't funny when you have snot running down into your mouth as you fight to fish a tissue out. It defeats the purpose of the way tissues are meant to exit the box doesn't it?

A couple of people suggested "school" as a stupidity. While Yugi, Jou, Honda, and several others might agree...I digress. School is meant to teach knowledge. Knowledge is power. That has not changed through the span of time. Though I dare say I may have had it easier than modern kids in ancient times. Firstly, if you were female in my time, odds are you were not educated unless you were of high status and even then, only selective literacy. I, as a royal, did indeed learn all subjects necessary for my position as future king. Key studies were reading, writing, and mathematics...the mandatory subjects for all princes. I started school at age four and our education basically ended around puberty (age 10-14). That's because in ancient Egyptian society, we started our positions/jobs right after and typically married at this age as well. Royals are usually an exception to this rule as our positions usually remain unchanged until the the one who holds the main job dies. Some princes never become pharaohs if their father, the current pharaoh lives a long life. Common kids would typically learn a craft or trade and be thrust into it with the rest of their family (farming, merchant, construction, and so on). Average life expectancy of an ancient Egyptian was to age 40 thus the reason for working, marrying, and having children at what you would consider "young." So, modern humans have a longer life to compensate for the longer schooling. But an education is a wonderful thing and too often taken for granted in modern times. You won't realize this until you enter the so-called 'real world' and have to make or break it in the competitive job market.

Flavored condoms: Fruit and mint flavored condoms?! Now I understand the reason why a male would 'sheath' his prong, but I cannot fathom why they would be flavored. Yes, I am familiar with 'oral' sexual pleasures, but what is the point of slurping a flavored bit of latex? Defeats the purpose of the act doesn't it? I asked Yugi about this and his only reply was this, "They have FLAVORED ones now! I didn't know this!!!" His enthusiastic reply sent me reeling in discomfort so I dared not push the subject further with him. In fact, I promptly left the room, though in a dignified, stately manner. But along the same lines, "ribbed for HER pleasure"...if a male isn't skilled enough with his prong and requires further assistance in the form of a bumpy rubber to pleasure a lady, then he shouldn't be engaged in the act at all! And Trojans...Trojans!? Uhm, no. I'll pass thank you. In my years in ancient Egypt, I never knew a trustworthy Trojan. So why would I trust their brand of condoms? (In case you are wondering, yes, I was looking at these things...from a distance mind you. They're right near the cash register and Grandpa was in line. I was told to remain nearby. So, it was either those or the candy once again. And with Yugi's sweet tooth, I'd rather avoid the candy).

I will conclude this list for now, but I shall write more as I see fit. I'm sure there's more stupidities out there and I'm sure I'll encounter them whether intentional or not. I'm seriously beginning to think ancient life was a lot less complex and much more logical that today's device-laden, technology-dependent, marketing-manipulative society. My apologies to any of you who like any of the above mentions. If people didn't like that stuff then said stuff wouldn't be produced in the first place right? This is only an honest account of my own perspective of things. Now I must be off before I manage to get into more trouble for something or another.